You have a relationship already, let's make it right to have a change talk
"There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about."
--Margaret J. Wheatley
Your relationship with the older adult may be complicated, but generally ok. However, the kind of relationship that supports a meaningful change conversation is not just any relationship. There are three principles that help you set your relationship right to have the change conversation:
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Respect Independence & Choices
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Empathy & Validation
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Empower Older Adults
Mary has a fairly good relationship with her mom, Irene. However, she sometimes notices changes in Irene as she ages. The mom Mary knows now feels different from the one she knew when she was younger. Irene seems more set in her ways, and Mary sometimes feels she knows better than her mom. So how can she have a conversation? Mary already knows that simply telling Irene what to do will not work.

We asked some experts what works for them when building or strengthening relationships with older adults, and here is what they shared.
Rosemary: Expert in gerontology and interior design
Helen: Social Worker with decades of experience with older adults
Chloe: Home modification spcialist

Independence
Yeah, the independence is very good. And then, you know, let them make the decision. We are here to help them, not force them to do anything they want. We need to let them know, here, we just give you some options. And the options may help you live, you know, more independently, heavily, and then, you know, aging in place.
Empathy
Understand, show our empathy, saying that we totally understand your concern and your worries, your anxiety. But here we are working with you together.
Privacy
They have their privacy at home. Sometimes they don't like people to walk into their house to see what they have and their relationship with their families. So if we can tell them like, oh, we are here to help you and you are the decision makers, you say whatever you want. And we just give you the opinion, the choices and ideas. and you feel more comfortable, more independent actually.
Choices
We go in, we sit down, we talk to them, get to know them. We ask them permission to walk around their home environment. We first start with, what is it that you would like to see done? We never want to go in and say, you have to do this, and this. People want choices, and they want to feel that freedom of independence. But we point out things as we go.
Strengthening relationship
Principle I:​​
Respect
Independence & Choices
Myths
Facts
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​Older adults value independence as much as adults of any age. But sometimes they are treated as if they couldn't make decisions on their own. Respecting indepence and choices is crucial in strengthening the relationship so you can talk about potential changes in the house.
The decision is always up to the older adult. Even if they choose not to make changes in the homes, that is OK. Download examples to help you demonstrate this principle. ​
Strengthening relationship
Principle II:​​
Empathy & Validation
Benefits of validation:
It makes the older adults feel...
not being judged
heard and understood
supported,
open to new things
the desire to share more
they are the focus, not others
When you notice something doesn't work well, chances are older adults have felt it or heard about it from different people (doctors, social workers, family members, friends, neighbors, etc.) many times. Before any change can happen, it is important to validate their frustration and feelings. ​​
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Try not to judge their decisions. Older adults usually have very good reasons for not making changes. Download examples to help you demonstrate this principle. ​
Strengthening relationship
Principle III:​​
Empower Older Adults
Most of the time, people already have ideas of their goals and how to reach them. What older adults need is someone to be with them as they mull over their decisions and decide on what to do.
Older adults usually know what works the best for them, your job is to help them bring their solutions out. Download examples to help you demonstrate this principle. ​
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